am I BAD???

my mum was watching oprah and I was half listening and it was about Bart Whitaker, the guy who planned to murder his family. and the thing is, I can't believe how close his story was to my own... here is a man who had been living a lie because he felt that his family expect too much from him... they expect him to be this great person and he just can't do it... he is the eldest and he have a younger brother and he claimed that he felt like his brother was such a good person that he was pressured to be just as good and the thing is, that is not him at all... and that is just what i felt... because my brother and sisters are such model children, i felt i have to be just as good... my sister is obsess (or stg like that) with charity work and my brother is like an actual genius... he is practically a mensa member, he won great scholarship for college... 

anyway... his story really made me think... will i be on the road to murdering my own family?... i mean... my whole life... all i want is to get away from them... when i first went to college, i chose the one furthest away from home... it was the first time i felt like i could finally be myself... my current goal is to make enough money so that i can move to another country and not see any of them for the rest of my life... and more than once in my whole life... in fact it mush have been in the hundreds by now... i actually wished i am parentless... am i such a bad person?

Isla Fisher

Finally went to see shopaholic today... I've been wanting to see this one because I thought Isla Fisher is just so crazy funny. I've been keeping my eye on her ever since wedding crasher... maybe even before... can't quite remember... and Hugh Dancy... he is just delicious... anyway... I don't think I can stop laughing through out the whole movie... I've never been a fan of chic lit... and while my sister is like the number one fan of the shopaholics books... I just hate those books and thought the story was somewhat lame... but this movie was so good... makes me feel like I should start reading some shopaholic books... anyway... I am officially a big fan of Isla Fisher right now... ISLA!!! I HEART YOU!!!

I need ideas

I need to come up with 20 ideas by this monday... I'm cramming my head but I feel like the well has dried and even the earth and pebbles are gone... how else can one show the idea of nose blockage, suffocation, frustration, and anything to do with Vicks... I'm close to the two O... but the inspiration is really coming oh very so slowly

Something to do

I found this article from SELF... thought it should be something I should put on my desktop... so that I would always remember what I should do to loose some weight...

Activities to burn 500 calories:
• Walk 40 minutes at a level 8 on a hilly course (or crank up the incline on the treadmill).
• Do 36 minutes of running intervals: Jog for 1 minute at a level 5, sprint 1 minute at a level 9. Repeat 18 times.
• Take a 45-minute Spinning class.
• Dance to a good beat for 72 minutes at a level 7.
• Hit the elliptical machine for 60 minutes, doing intervals. Do 2 minutes at a level 8, then 1 minute at a level 5. Repeat 20 times.
• Swim freestyle for 50 minutes at a level 8.
• Use the rowing machine for 40 minutes, doing intervals: Go 8 minutes at a level 8, then 2 minutes at a level 4. Repeat 4 times.

Activities to burn 250 calories: 
• Walk for 35 minutes at a level 7. 
• Run for 20 minutes at a level 7. 
• Bike for 30 minutes at a level 5. 
• Dance for 50 minutes at a level 4. 
• Hit the elliptical machine for 30 minutes at a level 8. 
• Swim freestyle for 25 minutes at a level 8. 
• Use the rowing machine for 28 minutes at a level 8.

Activities to burn 100 calories: 
• Walk for 25 minutes at a level 4. 
• Run for 12 minutes at a level 4. 
• Bike for 17 minutes at a level 4. 
• Dance for 20 minutes at a level 4. 
• Hit the elliptical machine for 15 minutes at a level 5. 
• Swim freestyle for 15 minutes at a level 5. 
• Use the rowing machine for 25 minutes at a level 5.

cracks on the dam no more

tonight is the third time I cried in class... everything is so emotional and the thing is I hate to cry... everytime I cry, I get terrible headaches... even now I can feel it coming... the beginning effect is already here, and pretty soon I'm going to feel the whole thing... this is going to be an early night since sleep would probably be the easiest way to make it go away... 

normally I'm not so open... but by being open, everything seems to come out and I just can't stop the wall from breaking and the water from pouring out like there's a force pushing it out... maybe Shanaz, my instructor is right... I'm growing up... and I think at the same time, I kinda stop growing at one point, so now I'm catching up...

the second day I cried

Tonight was so unexpected. It felt like such an emotional night. I didn't expect it at all... firstly, Janet, my instructor totally get Jeff... she totally point it out, lay it all bare, out in the open for all to see the kind of person Jeff is... she didn't get anywhere much... but at least she tried... and when my turn comes, I think a mix of the emotions that I was feeling from listening from the others and how it mirrors my problems, and also the mood of everything, and how much I really want to let it all hang out in the open... I just start to burst out in tears... I was trying so hard to not cry... trying so hard to control it... but the dam broke and the tears just start to pour in... even though by the time the class ended I finally manage to stop crying... in the car, on my way back, I just burst out crying again... and this time, it was just worst... 

during the tell all session, one thing that came out was how much I was feeling like a loser... I just have to stop thinking that I'm not good enough and start to think that I can do it... so, I've decided to change my personal description to something more positive... right now, I've wrote that I am a no talent girl... that definitely have got to change... I just need to feel more confident about what I'm passionate in...

my opposite

So there is this guy Jeff... he and I got stuck in the same group... he is probably the opposite of me... everything he is... i am probably the opposite... anyway... the thing that i hate most about him is when he kinda take charge and act like he is the leader of the group but the thing is he doesn't quite bring much input aka ideas tot he table... and kept acting like Janet our instructor and act like he is Janet and then he would give some comment why he didn't like it... but he won't really give comments on how it can be better... so it is just really devastating whenever we have the branstorming session since he never really give much constructive comment... kinda just shot us down with anything that try to propose... and the thing is... he is just so domineering at times... that isn't just it... he is like the laudest person in class... and yet, when we have to go in front of the class and present our ideas and stuff... he is so not helpful... it's like what comes out of his mouth is utter rubbish... no substance at all... and sometime... while we were up in front... and he wants to say something... he won't just say it... he would just whisper it in my orVictor's (another member of the group, there are three of us) ears... i mean... why not just say it instead of trying to get us to say it for him... stupido!... he is just so annoyingly loud with his smart aleck kinda remark when he's behind his desk... but when in front of the class... he just won't say much... just kept whispering into our ears on what he thinks should be said... and the thing is... i can't hear much... i have bad hearing... so i actually never did catch much of what he was trying to say... anyway... i just wished he would just step up and do something worthwhile for a change... 

torchwood

I had a really tiring but fruitful day... went to the gym... played squash for almost an hour... then I went to this mall where they have a flee market every weekend... i thought I would go check it out... and I found a CD store that sells box set for series... they have such a great collection that I found the box set for Torchwood... I've been a fan of Doctor Who for years and Torchwood is a spin-off of this series... basically, it is the adult version of Doctor Who... despite not having much comedy like Doctor Who, I still find it quite entertaining... but Doctor Who will always be my fave... I just love the Doctor... I don't think I've ever seen a character on screen quite like him... so wacky and unpredictable... so... unexpected... I really hope the new doctor will be as good as the other two...

I am so very happy

I am feeling so high right now... I am so happy...I just got back from this presentation and my lecturers love love love my work... they are even impress with my graphic work even though that is just a bonus... they told me that the idea wasn't that great but they we're really happy to see that I had actually tried to explore and make it interesting... the idea of using suffocation to convey the feeling of having a blocked nose... therefore you need vicks vaporub... I feel so happy... happy... happy... happy... I still need to work on my other group assignment... but basically... i just want this feeling to last a while longer... let this night never end...